Call it a therapy post if you like. A post to air how I feel, a post that will most probably make me cry as I write it but you know what, that's OK. A good cry every so often is well needed and today is the day when I think I need one.
Some of you may know, my nan is in hospital and is very poorly. This woman practically brought me up when my parents had to go to work. She is like my second mother.
And so this post is even more moving for me today. I dedicate it to not only my dad but to my beautiful nan.
I read a post the other day on Whitney Ports blog click here to read it, she lost her father a couple of months ago and she wrote him a blog letter. This is something I immediately connected with and read it with tears in my eyes.
And so today I want to do the same and write a letter to my dad.
Here's my letter...
Dear Dad,
Remember me? I was the cocky 18 year old daughter who thought she knew it all before you died.
My god how things have changed, I actually didn't know anything!!
Even though I'm now 31 and have grown into a woman I'm still your little girl dad.
Oh god how I miss you.
The pain never goes away it gets easier to deal with yes, but never EVER goes away.
I was talking to Mum the other day about you and it dawned in me how I couldn't remember your voice. This made me instantly panic. I don't want my mind to erase important information like that.
I want to remember every tiny detail, like your voice, your smile, your eyes, your crocked nose, your budda belly, your super neat handwriting, your humour, the way you used to snore so loudly you sounded like a bear or the funny jokes you used to tell that always made the family crack up, how you thought you were Jeremy Beadle when we first got a camcorder and you tried so hard to catch people falling over to get £250. I miss those things Dad.
I miss you.
Everyday there's always something I wish I could tell you Dad, I go through phases where I'm angry, angry at the fact you were taken from us so early, angry that you weren't around to give me away at my wedding, angry that you've never got to meet the love of my life and the man that makes me unbelievably happy. Angry that I cant talk to you about anything and everything, from how I've had a shit day at work, to something that you would find funny on the telly and more recently about the fertility struggle were having and you being there and telling me it will all be OK. But then the anger is taken over by sadness, infinite sadness that mum has never found anyone else, you were and still remain, her one true love and no one will ever compare, sadness that you haven't got to see your son grow up. I was practically grown up when you were taken from us, but he was only ten such a little boy. Who would teach him all the manly things, how to shave that kinda thing? Well my goodness you would be so proud of that boy dad. Yeah he can be a real annoying little bro sometimes but he's took the world on his shoulders and became the man of the family and stays strong. He has your humour, in fact both him and Chris do, they bounce off each other. I think that's what attracted me to Chris, his humour.
So alike to yours. Chris has been a father figure him and he's done you proud, I think you would most definitely approve of him as your son in law. I miss you.
There's a lot of things I feel Dad. Everyday is different but everyday is the same in the fact that I love you and I feel so very blessed that you were my father. I feel lucky that I had you around for at least 18 years of my life than none at all.
You shaped me into the person I am and made me always try to see the funny side of life and not take things too seriously I mean, who jokes around with nurses before major surgery asking them to be careful with your 'crown jewels' only you could of Dad.
I wish I'd told you more often how much I loved you, but you knew in your own way, our humour way. I miss you.
Tuesday would have been your 57th birthday Dad, three away from 60, another sad reminder that you didn't make it to another milestone birthday we thought of you that day whilst we were at the hospital visiting nan and talked about you and remembered the little stories about you that make us laugh and then later I had a little cry.
I just really miss you.
I hope wherever you are Dad that you are happy and at peace. I know that one day we will see each other again and till that time I will hold onto your memories tightly.
You are with me always, locked away in my heart and in my head forever.
You are with me always, locked away in my heart and in my head forever.
You were a wonderful, funny, caring, compassionate man, everybody's friend and so love able to everyone around you. The fact that people still speak so highly and vividly of you is a true testament of who you were.
I am extremely proud that I have the privilege of being your daughter.
I Love You Always
xxxxx
